I’ve been writing in this blog for over 4 years now, and thank god. Because If I hadn’t started writing, I’m not sure if anything that I’ve been feeling in my life, would’ve gotten out. If I hadn’t started writing, and sharing my thoughts, I think I might’ve burst….bursted? In retrospect, I believe that I’ve always wanted to come out and say the things that I’ve been feeling, really since I was about 7. Maybe 6.
I’ve never been very “masculine”. I put that in quotes because 1, I say “quote, unquote” a hell of a lot. And two, I think that masculine and feminine are a state of mind. There’s a better name for them, but I can’t think of it at the moment. 2016 has been a crazy year. Let’s shift back to the summer of “15”.
NOTE: The following may get a little descriptive, so you have the option to stop reading now.
I have gender dysphoria, I’m not going to say that I “suffer” from it, because I think that suffer gives off the wrong conotation. How do I know that I have gender dysphoria? Because for about 30+ years, my thoughts have shifted from male to female quite often. June or July 2015, My mom and I went to visit my aunt in her new house, a beach house, very cool. As I’m packing , I’m thinking “Hmm, I wonder if I’ll have my own room, so I can sleep naked.” Oh I got my own room, and Wow, what a room, and a big bed. I was in “fem mode.” But I had to play it safe, not that I’ve ever been incredibly masculine, because I’m not. But that vacation started another…episode, maybe? Double doors that went out onto the patio. I wanted to go out there, in the middle of the night so badly, but I as afraid that I would be too loud. Scrap that idea.
But that weekend started me thinking about something that I’d thought about before, in my teenage years, transitioning. You know, male to female. I started doing research. Now back in the early 90’s, all I’d heard about was “sex change operation”, I knew nothing about hormones or hormone replacement therapy. Again I did research, into transition, hormones, what kind there were, the effects, the length of time in which the process took. Also at the end of that year, I started looking for a therapist, someone to speak with about how I was feeling. And one(of two) who might approve me for HRT.(Hormone Replacement Therapy) In my state, you need approval from two licensed professionals to begin HRT. I met with one and started talking to her about how and what I was feeling, once a week, for about 5 months.
I realized that transitioning wasnt the right idea, because I wasnt ready to start answering questions that would undoubtably come up once I started the hormones. I wasnt prepared for the possibly hate that comes with that. People are often afraid of what they don’t understand. Fast forward to later in the year, I discovered different “gender identities”. There are a plethoria of indentities, beyond just gay, lesbian, bisexual. Some of them, I admit I’m a bit skeptical(?) about. But I’ve learned that everybody wants to feel wanted, accepted, so these various gender identities are vaild, and who am I to go against that?
Genderfluid, that’s what I’ve choosen to be. There is a man and a woman inside of me. Do I crossdress, yeah sometimes, in the privacy of my home, and sometimes on the internet. I have an interest in photography and unfortunately, not really, I’ve been influenced by a group of people whom I met online about 7 1/2 years ago.(Thanks girls! lol j/k)
Genderfluid falls under the “umbrella” of “transgender”, so in a sense, I am transitioning. And I’m using the term #IAmMe. Because I am me, this is who I am, I’ve said this before. It’s 3 days after Christmas Dec.28th 2016. I “came out” per’se to my cousin Nicole at Christmas. I was afraid of what she would say, how she would react. I trust her and love her very much, and I was hoping that I wouldn’t lose her. I didnt, I havent. She is a progressive thinker, I would hope so, she lives in NYC, New York City. So we’re fine, she’s fine with it. So is my mom, so she says, but I believe her *cautious look*. lol.
I Am Me. And here comes 2017.
Good night dear readers….Good night.