I enjoy the summer months, the hot weather where others do not and bitch and moan about it constantly. STFU! 😝I enjoy it because at times I like to explore my sexuality, nudity, the limits to which I will go to tempt fate, and risk being heard yet not seen.

I was seen once, no twice, the first time, the neighbor thought I was someone else. Nevermind. lol

I say that I am genderfluid, I’m trying to make myself stick with that based on my changing feelings, changing meaning masculine<–>feminine. Today I’m teetering. Anyway, I’ve been “teetering” for a very long time, I’m 39. I’m disabled and wasn’t able to explore nudity as a young child because of this, eventually, I said “the hell with this” and started sneakily taking my pants off when I went to sleep. I remember one day I was sitting on the grass in the backyard with my parents, they were on the deck, coincidentally where I played the role of the exhibitionist a few times as a pre-teen as well. I decided to tempt fate and asked my mom if I could take off my shorts. I was surprised when she said yes. I would lay out on the grass, the back deck which was a thrill because I had neighbors on three sides. When I entered my teen years we moved into a nice modest house, and my father being a jack of all trades, created a wrap-around porch then they bought a wicker couch, which I sat on more than they were aware of, sorry mom. lol

I haven’t played my exhibitionist games in some time, but I’m looking forward to rekindling that fun lil hobby sooner rather than later.

I am not sorry that I shared this part of me with you. I do apologize if you feel asleep reading it because I talk so much.

“Those who mind don’t matter.”
“And those who matter don’t mind.”

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Everybody has fetishes, well almost everybody. There are those prudish types that don’t know how to have fun. People who only have sex in order to get pregnant. I respect the reason because having a baby is a wonderful thing,  but for some that’s boring.

I’ve been dying to tell someone about this. The other day I was talking to a good friend about fetishes and kinks, basically what turns us on. Being a virgin, I wanted to share with her my sexual “To Do” list. Not people that I want to do but things that I would like to try in the bedroom if the opportunity to have sex ever arose. Do you have a sex “To Do” list? I’d be interested to hear it in the comments below. Maybe we have some of the same.

As you may have noticed by reading here, I have a bit of a thing about telling people too much or willing giving them a little TMI. Don’t worry, you’ll get the same, I’ve just veered off topic two or three times so far. lol.

My first “To Do” is anal rimming. I’m really turned on by a woman’s asshole.  All puckered and cute. What I said to my friend was that I would like to stick my tongue in “her” or “their” assholes and lick them clean. I would just like to get a woman or women off. We got into the conversation and she was really receptive to that which was great. I mentioned toe sucking, specifically me to “her”. And lastly, I said that at least once I would like to be smothered. For a woman to sit on my face, so again, I can lick her asshole. It turned me on to share this with a friend, especially one who is so open-minded and whom I trust.

It feels good to have those types of friends.

Now let me leave you with a question. Have you ever wanted to fuck or have sex with someone that you shouldn’t? Or that society says you shouldn’t?

Hmmm, a cliffhanger. 😀

 

The following is a very forward, very descriptive account of how I have adapted the act of pleasuring myself…..

I am a man who is disabled. I have limitations as to what I can do sexually. I am paraplegic, which means that I am partially disabled, unfortunately, the part where I can’t feel is often vital to one’s pleasure. So what do I do, panic? No, I adapt. I find what works for me and where I can feel.

Sex is a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual act. Just because I can’t feel what’s happening, doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it. I’ve been adapting since I was, well, very young. I was always looking for someone to have in my life, call me lovesick, a hopeless romantic. I’d had girlfriends, but not a relationship. Also because of my disability, I wasn’t able to enjoy being naked, which further fueled my need to express myself, pleasure myself sexually. I’m veering off topic. I had to explore my body to find where I could feel, find what brought me pleasure. I found many things that did so, and not only touching myself but doing things that I had never done. I’ve explored exhibitionism, masturbation, It tried the “traditional” way once, and thought that I’d succeeded, and maybe I had. Even when I couldn’t, I explored nudity as often as I could. I explored many things as often as I could. Remember I said that I’m partially disabled? Well, the part that I can’t feel is my penis. Sad right? Only if I allowed it to be. I didn’t, I was always taught to adapt to what I couldn’t do. It is also said that if I want something bad enough, I will make it happen, I have smart parents. I had to think about not what is, but what could be. I’d found what works for me, anal. I could feel my butthole. Thank you for not screwing me over completely, universe. lol

I have to be careful though, because the tissue at that point is very thin, so a tear is very possible. Alright, so I adapt again. Thanks to a group of several women, who are too many to name, I learned a different technique. I treat my butthole, like a vagina, or pussy. With two fingers, I would rub it much like a woman pleasures herself. Does it feel good? Yes, it does.

I take and post pictures, and play, where ever I want. Of course, some wiping down needs to happen afterward. It’s expensive furniture. 😀
I enjoy nudity, I enjoy masturbation, I enjoy pleasuring myself. Fuck societal norms, to hell with people thinking or saying that I can’t enjoy myself, or I shouldn’t because I’m disabled. That’s their lack of understanding talking. If no one else will touch me, I might as well touch myself.

Perhaps all this time, I’ve been forcing myself to become attached to someone, because it’s “the norm”, a “societal norm”. When in reality, I’m not ready to or willing to be in a relationship. I worry about being alone, I worry about dying alone, maybe not worry so much as think about it.

I’m being me, to the best of my ability, I think. I fade in and out, from one facet to another. Yeah, I think by wanting to be or have someone, I’m concerned about a “societal norm”, or construct. The idea that we should be with someone in order to create another, procreation, to further our existence.

I know, that sounds way off, but I’m just thinking and writing “from the hip.” In one facet, I’m trying to find myself, or perhaps I have, and I’m just enjoying it. On the other, I think about what I’ve heard as a child, that the idea of getting married and having kids, to again create the next generation, is what I should do.

I don’t want to do that, do what’s based on a social construct. I just want to live. And whatever will be, will be. Now, will I believe that later? We’ll see……..

Pulse

Sometimes you meet the right people and an opportunity falls towards you. During a pretty regular Twitter discussion #SexTalkTuesday, I met a rep from Hot Octopuss, an adult toy manufacturer.https://www.hotoctopuss.com/about-us/ They saw me talking about being someone who’s disabled and the hardships that I go through, one of them being ED (Erectile Dysfunction.) After our group discussion, we talked individually and agreed to have me test and review their latest product, The Pulse Duo III.

Let me apologize to them right away, for referring to it as the Pulse Duo II, more than once, during our recent email exchanges. My apologies.

I’ll be blunt, because I have been blunt with you, my readers for almost five(in about 2 weeks) I can’t feel certain parts of my body, parts that most men say they need, I can feel just above the area, which is just fine with me. Because of this, I don’t masturbate or touch myself in the “traditional” sense. The Pulse Duo II accommodates that. Pulse is a silicone based vibrator “guybrator” with two functions…if you find a third, I invite you to let Alyson, Hot Octopuss’s “Social Media Queen” know.

Its first function is a “sleeve” masturbation sleeve which you can slip your penis into and have the PulsePlate with its multitude of vibration settings, massages the frenulum, to provide total satisfaction for many.

The dual function, the Pulse Duo III provides pleasure for “her” as well. The Pulse Duo III vibrates on the outside as well. Pleasuring your lady during intercourse or sexual play. I use this function myself, because of my ED(Erectile Dysfunction.)

I’m pleased to have met the team from Hot Octopuss, and look forward to further dialogue with them, as the produce more wonderful products for sexual pleasure.

From the U.S. allow me to say “Cheers” Hot Octopuss, for thinking “outside the box.”

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People who are disabled in the adult industry. A crazy idea, right? Why? Because it hasn’t been done? Maybe. People will surprise you with the innermost details and secrets of their lives. I can guarantee you that there are many people with a developmental or cognitive disability are sexually frustrated, including myself, hey I’m not gonna lie here.

But someone who is disabled, in porn? First, just about every disability advocacy organization would be “up in arms” over this, claiming exploration or that they were forced into it. You know what, for all intents and purposes, let’s limit this down to people with a physical disability, such as people who can’t walk, and use not “confined” to a wheelchair. And still, every advocacy organization would be screaming “bloody murder”.

Do you think that we don’t think about sex, intimacy, going out and doing something crazy, “out of the box?” Some of us are screaming inside. But no, you don’t see any or hardly anybody with a disability getting naked, having sex, doing anything erotic. Because it’s not part of “the norm”, not part of the “status quo.”

Let me let you in on a little secret. There are people who are disabled getting laid. There are people who are disabled, saying to hell with the “status quo”.  there are those getting naked, not in porn, but who are taking matters into their hands, and shooting their own independent photos films and “pseudo scenes”. I know of one woman who is disabled, who is out there, being an exhibitionist at times, and also shooting her own videos, showing how she lives, I applaud you, Leah.  

I know of a group of people who are defying what some call “normal” and are taking photos, shooting videos, who are disabled. Amen!

People who are disabled on webcam sites, I hadn’t seen it, so I did it myself. I cam on occasion, its been a while, but I cam(on CB) Why? Because I want to, I enjoy being naked, being sexual, and if it’s by myself so what, I’m enjoying it. I also shoot and post my own photos. A friend has even said that she will come over and shoot some photos of me,  I’m excited to do it. 

Please stop reading if you feel that you’re getting too much information about me. I want you to like me later. 🙂

I’m breaking barriers, breaking stigmas, fuck the norm, there is no normal, look at the world. If there is a normal, what is it? Back to my original premise, people who are disabled in porn. I don’t know if anybody wants to see it. In fact, yeah I do because everybody has a kink, a fetish, and in 8 years I’ve seen some fucked up fetishes, this shouldn’t one of them. 

We are not all “asexual”, we enjoy sex, being sexual, breaking stereotypes and stigmas. we enjoy saying “fuck you” to those who think that we can’t do something, such as have sex. We don’t need those “essential” body parts to have sex? There are so many companies in business who have proven that.  

Don’t judge us by what you think you know. There are a lot of us who would surprise you. There are a lot of us who are flipping you off too. lol

Goodnight dear readers…Good night.

I’ve been writing in this blog for over 4 years now, and thank god. Because If I hadn’t started writing, I’m not sure if anything that I’ve been feeling in my life, would’ve gotten out. If I hadn’t started writing, and sharing my thoughts, I think I might’ve burst….bursted? In retrospect, I believe that I’ve always wanted to come out and say the things that I’ve been feeling, really since I was about 7. Maybe 6.

I’ve never been very “masculine”. I put that in quotes because 1, I say “quote, unquote” a hell of a lot. And two, I think that masculine and feminine are a state of mind. There’s a better name for them, but I can’t think of it at the moment. 2016 has been a crazy year. Let’s shift back to the summer of “15”.

NOTE: The following may get a little descriptive, so you have the option to stop reading now.

I have gender dysphoria, I’m not going to say that I “suffer” from it, because I think that suffer gives off the wrong connotation. How do I know that I have gender dysphoria? Because for about 30+ years, my thoughts have shifted from male to female quite often. June or July 2015, My mom and I went to visit my aunt in her new house, a beach house, very cool. As I’m packing, I’m thinking “Hmm, I wonder if I’ll have my own room so I can sleep naked.” Oh, I got my own room, and Wow, what a room, and a big bed. I was in “fem mode.” But I had to play it safe, not that I’ve ever been incredibly masculine, because I’m not. But that vacation started another…episode, maybe? Double doors that went out onto the patio. I wanted to go out there, in the middle of the night so badly, but I was afraid that I would be too loud. Scrap that idea.

But that weekend started me thinking about something that I’d thought about before, in my teenage years, transitioning. You know, male to female. I started doing research. Now back in the early 90’s, all I’d heard about was “sex change operation”, I knew nothing about hormones or hormone replacement therapy. Again I did research, into transition, hormones, what kind there were, the effects, the length of time during which the process took. Also at the end of that year, I started looking for a therapist, someone to speak with about how I was feeling. And one(or two) who might approve me for HRT. (Hormone Replacement Therapy)  In my state, you need approval from two licensed professionals to begin HRT. I met with one and started talking to her about how and what I was feeling, once a week, for about 5 months.

I realized that transitioning wasn’t the right idea, because I wasn’t ready to start answering questions that would undoubtedly come up once I started the hormones. I wasn’t prepared for the possibly hate that comes with that. People are often afraid of what they don’t understand. Fast forward to later in the year, I discovered different “gender identities”. There are a plethora of identities, beyond just gay, lesbian, bisexual. Some of them, I admit I’m a bit skeptical(?) about. But I’ve learned that everybody wants to feel wanted, accepted, so these various gender identities are valid, and who am I to go against that?

Genderfluid, that’s what I’ve chosen to be. There is a man and a woman inside of me. Do I crossdress, yeah sometimes, in the privacy of my home, and sometimes on the internet. I have an interest in photography and unfortunately, not really, I’ve been influenced by a group of people whom I met online about 7 1/2 years ago. (Thanks, girls! lol j/k)

Genderfluid falls under the “umbrella” of “transgender”, so in a sense, I am transitioning. And I’m using the term #IAmMe. Because I am me, this is who I am, I’ve said this before. It’s 3 days after Christmas Dec.28th 2016. I “came out” pers’e to my cousin Nicole at Christmas. I was afraid of what she would say, how she would react. I trust her and love her very much, and I was hoping that I wouldn’t lose her. I didn’t, I haven’t. She is a progressive thinker, I would hope so, she lives in NYC, New York City. So we’re fine, she’s fine with it. So is my mom, so she says, but I believe her *cautious look*. lol.

I Am Me. And here comes 2017.

Goodnight dear readers…Good night.