The following is a very forward, very descriptive account on how I have adapted the act of pleasuring myself…..

I am a man who is disabled. I have limitations as to what I can do sexually. I am paraplegic, which means that I am partially disabled, unfortunately, the part where I can’t feel is often vital to one’s pleasure. So what do I do, panic? No, I adapt. I find what works for me and where I can feel.

Sex is a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual act. Just because I can’t feel what’s happening, doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it. I’ve been adapting since I was, well, very young. I was always looking for someone to have in my life, call me lovesick, a hopeless romantic. I’d had girlfriends, but not a relationship. Also because of my disability, I wasn’t able to enjoy being naked, which further fueled my need to express myself, pleasure myself sexually. I’m veering off topic. I had to explore my body to find where I could feel, find what brought me pleasure. I found many things that did so, and not only touching myself but doing things that I had never done. I’ve explored exhibitionism, masturbation, It tried the “traditional” way once, and thought that I’d succeeded, and maybe I had. Even when I couldn’t, I explored nudity as often as I could. I explored many things as often as I could. Remember I said that I’m partially disabled? Well, the part that I can’t feel is my penis. Sad right? Only if I allowed it to be. I didn’t, I was always taught to adapt to what I couldn’t do. It is also said that if I want something bad enough, I will make it happen, I have smart parents. I had to think about not what is, but what could be. I’d found what works for me, anal. I could feel my butthole. Thank you for not screwing me over completely, universe. lol

I have to be careful though, because the tissue at that point is very thin, so a tear is very possible. Alright, so I adapt again. Thanks to a group of several women, who are too many to name, I learned a different technique. I treat my butthole, like a vagina, or pussy. With two fingers, I would rub it much like a woman pleasures herself. Does it feel good? Yes, it does.

I take and post pictures, and play, where ever I want. Of course, some wiping down needs to happen afterward. It’s expensive furniture. 😀
I enjoy nudity, I enjoy masturbation, I enjoy pleasuring myself. Fuck societal norms, to hell with people thinking or saying that I can’t enjoy myself, or I shouldn’t because I’m disabled. That’s their lack of understanding talking. If no one else will touch me, I might as well touch myself.

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Perhaps all this time, I’ve been forcing myself to become attached to someone, because it’s “the norm”, a “societal norm”. When in reality, I’m not ready to or willing to be in a relationship. I worry about being alone, I worry about dying alone, maybe not worry so much as think about it.

I’m being me, to the best of my ability, I think. I fade in and out, from one facet to another. Yeah, I think by wanting to be or have someone, I’m concerned about a “societal norm”, or construct. The idea that we should be with someone in order to create another, procreation, to further our existance.

I know, that sounds way off, but I’m just thinking and writing “from the hip.” In one facet, I’m trying to find myself, or perhaps I have, and I’m just enjoying it. On the other, I think about what I’ve heard as a child, that the idea of getting married and having kids, to again create the next generation, is what I should do.

I don’t want to do that, do what’s based on a social construct. I just want to live. And whatever will be, will be. Now, will I believe that later. We’ll see……..

Pulse

Sometimes you meet the right people and an opportunity falls towards you. During a pretty regular Twitter discussion #SexTalkTuesday, I met a rep from Hot Octopuss, an adult toy manufacturer.https://www.hotoctopuss.com/about-us/ They saw me talking about being someone who’s disabled and the hardships that I go through, one of them being ED (Erectile Dysfunction.) After our group discussion, we talked individually and agreed to have me test and review their latest product, The Pulse Duo III.

Let me apologize to them right away, for referring to it as the Pulse Duo II, more than once, during our recent email exchanges. My apologies.

I’ll be blunt, because I have been blunt with you, my readers for almost five(in about 2 weeks) I can’t feel certain parts of my body, parts that most men say they need, I can feel just above the area, which is just fine with me. Because of this, I don’t masturbate or touch myself in the “traditional” sense. The Pulse Duo II accommodates that. Pulse is a silicone based vibrator “guybrator” with two functions…if you find a third, I invite you to let Alyson, Hot Octopuss’s “Social Media Queen” know.

It’s first function is a “sleeve” masturbation sleeve which you can slip your penis into and have the PulsePlate with its multituded of vibration settings, massages the frenulum, to provide total satisfaction for many.

The dual function, the Pulse Duo III provides pleasure for “her” as well. The Pulse Duo III vibrates on the outside as well. Pleasuring your lady during intercourse or sexual play. I use this function myself, because of my ED(Erectile Dysfunction.)

I’m pleased to have met the team from Hot Octopuss, and look forward to further dialogue with them, as the produce more wonderful products for sexual pleasure.

From the U.S. allow me to say “Cheers” Hot Octopuss, for thinking “outside the box.”

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People who are disabled in the adult industry. A crazy idea, right? Why? Because it hasn’t been done? Maybe. People will surprise you with the inner most details and secrets of their lives. I can guarantee you that there are many people with a developmental or cognitive disability are sexually frustrated, including myself, hey I’m not gonna lie here.

But someone who is disabled, in porn? First, just about every disability advocacy organization would be “up in arms” over this, claiming explotation or that they were forced into it. You know what, for all intents and purposes, let’s limit this down to people with a physical disability, such as people who can’t walk, and use not “confined” to a wheelchair. And still, every advocacy organization would be screaming “bloody murder”.

Do you think that we don’t think about sex, intimacy, going out and doing something crazy, “out of the box?” Some of us are screaming inside. But no, you don’t see any or hardly anybody with a disability getting naked, having sex, doing anything erotic. Because it’s not part of “the norm”, not part of the “status quo.”

Let me let you in on a little secret. There are people who are disabled getting laid. There are people who are disabled, saying to hell with the “status quo”.  there are those getting naked, not in porn, but who are taking matters into their hands, and shooting their own independent photos films and “pseudo scenes”. I know of one woman who is disabled, who is out there, being an exhibitionist at times, and also shooting her own videos, showing how she lives, I applaud you Leah.  

I know of a group of people who are defying what some call “normal” and are taking photos, shooting videos, who are disabled. Amen!

People who are disabled on webcam sites, I hadn’t seen it, so I did it myself. I cam on occasion, its been a while, but I cam(on CB) Why? Because I want to, I enjoy being naked, being sexual, and if it’s by myself so what, I’m enjoy it. I also shoot and post my own photos. A friend has even said that she will come over and shoot some photos of me,  I’m excited to do it. 

Please stop reading if you feel that you’re getting too much information about me. I want you to like me later. 🙂

I’m breaking “barriers”, breaking  stigmas, fuck the norm, there is no normal, look at the world. If there is a normal, what is it? Back to my original premise, people who are disabled in porn. I don’t know if anybody wants to see it. In fact yeah I do, because everybody has a kink, a fetish, and in 8 years I’ve seen some fucked up fetishes, this shouldn’t one of them. 

We are not all “asexual”, we enjoy sex, being sexual, breaking stereotypes and stigmas. we enjoy saying “fuck you” to those who think that we can’t do something, such as have sex. We don’t need those “essential” body parts to have sex? There are so many companies in business who have proven that.  

Don’t judge us by what you think you know. There are a lot of us who would surprise you. There are a lot of us who are flipping you off too. lol

Good night dear readers…Good night.

I’ve been writing in this blog for over 4 years now, and thank god. Because If I hadn’t started writing, I’m not sure if anything that I’ve been feeling in my life, would’ve gotten out. If I hadn’t started writing, and sharing my thoughts, I think I might’ve burst….bursted? In retrospect, I believe that I’ve always wanted to come out and say the things that I’ve been feeling, really since I was about 7. Maybe 6.

I’ve never been very “masculine”. I put that in quotes because 1, I say “quote, unquote” a hell of a lot. And two, I think that masculine and feminine are a state of mind. There’s a better name for them, but I can’t think of it at the moment. 2016 has been a crazy year. Let’s shift back to the summer of “15”.

NOTE: The following may get a little descriptive, so you have the option to stop reading now.

I have gender dysphoria, I’m not going to say that I “suffer” from it, because I think that suffer gives off the wrong conotation. How do I know that I have gender dysphoria? Because for about 30+ years, my thoughts have shifted from male to female quite often. June or July 2015, My mom and I went to visit my aunt in her new house, a beach house, very cool. As I’m packing , I’m thinking “Hmm, I wonder if I’ll have my own room, so I can sleep naked.” Oh I got my own room, and Wow, what a room, and a big bed. I was in “fem mode.” But I had to play it safe, not that I’ve ever been incredibly masculine, because I’m not. But that vacation started another…episode, maybe? Double doors that went out onto the patio. I wanted to go out there, in the middle of the night so badly, but I as afraid that I would be too loud. Scrap that idea.

But that weekend started me thinking about something that I’d thought about before, in my teenage years, transitioning. You know, male to female. I started doing research. Now back in the early 90’s, all I’d heard about was “sex change operation”, I knew nothing about hormones or hormone replacement therapy. Again I did research, into transition, hormones, what kind there were, the effects, the length of time in which the process took. Also at the end of that year, I started looking for a therapist, someone to speak with about how I was feeling. And one(of two) who might approve me for HRT.(Hormone Replacement Therapy)  In my state, you need approval from two licensed professionals to begin HRT. I met with one and started talking to her about how and what I was feeling, once a week, for about 5 months.

I realized that transitioning wasnt the right idea, because I wasnt ready to start answering questions that would undoubtably come up once I started the hormones. I wasnt prepared for the possibly hate that comes with that. People are often afraid of what they don’t understand. Fast forward to later in the year, I discovered different “gender identities”. There are a plethoria of indentities, beyond just gay, lesbian, bisexual. Some of them, I admit I’m a bit skeptical(?) about. But I’ve learned that everybody wants to feel wanted, accepted, so these various gender identities are vaild, and who am I to go against that?

Genderfluid, that’s what I’ve choosen to be. There is a man and a woman inside of me. Do I crossdress, yeah sometimes, in the privacy of my home, and sometimes on the internet. I have an interest in photography and unfortunately, not really, I’ve been influenced by a group of people whom I met online about 7 1/2 years ago.(Thanks girls! lol j/k)

Genderfluid falls under the “umbrella” of “transgender”, so in a sense, I am transitioning. And I’m using the term #IAmMe. Because I am me, this is who I am, I’ve said this before. It’s 3 days after Christmas Dec.28th 2016. I “came out” per’se to my cousin Nicole at Christmas. I was afraid of what she would say, how she would react. I trust her and love her very much, and I was hoping that I wouldn’t lose her. I didnt, I havent. She is a progressive thinker, I would hope so, she lives in NYC, New York City. So we’re fine, she’s fine with it. So is my mom, so she says, but I believe her *cautious look*. lol.

I Am Me. And here comes 2017.

Good night dear readers….Good night.

Now I would think by now, you would know that everything that I’ve written has been based on real events, real feelings. This will be no different. I’m 37 years old, and have been exploring myself, exploring nudity and exhibitionism since I was about 7 years old. 

About 16 years ago, I’d been living with my mom in an apartment. I enjoyed this complex, because it gave me many opportunities to explore my exhibitionism and my love for nudity. Mom was going away for the weekend with her “then” boyfriend, who was kind of an ass, she would find out how much of an ass a few years later. Anyway, they were going away, “Great, a weekend by myself. Now I already had an idea to lay out naked within the complex, late at night of course. I told myself, “Alright, just go look for a spot, just look, and you will execute this act at a later date…that’s not what happend. They left that afternoon, and that night, I put on a t-shirt and loose sweats, kinda thinking that I might do this that night.

I went out and looked around the complex. It had several car ports in rows, with bushes nearby. Finally, I thought that I’d found a spot. Somewhat out of the way, but not so much that I couldnt get caught. Now keep in mind that, I consider myself to be genderfluid, so on that night, I was in “girl mode”. I strolled up behind some bushes, a little away from the nearest carport. I got onto the grass and took my clothes of and laid down in the grass. I’d always enjoyed doing this, lying naked in the grass, outside. I laid there for a few minutes touching myself, rubbing crotch as if it were a pussy. As a man, I dont have much down there, so I adapt, to make myself happy. So let’s just say that fir arguments sake, I was rubbing my pussy. I felt bad, naughty, being out there exposed for all to possibly see. 

I felt good, happy because I was doing what I wanted, also because I knew that in the eyes of most of society at that time, what I was doing was wrong. Basically you could say that I was giving the majority of society the finger. lol! I stopped rubbing myself and turned over, onto my stomach, head in hand and just laid there for a while. This was a Saturday, so people were liable to go out, and they did. People were getting into their cars around and away from me, but I was somewhat tucked away and quiet, and with a coy smile on my face. 

I was probably out there total for about 25-30 minutes. Finally I got dressed, unwillingly mind you, and scooted out from behind the bushes. Now at this time a couple was coming out into their car. I scooted out from behind the bushes, with wheelchair in tow and got back in. I casually looked at the couple, smiled and said “Hi”. And went back home. That was ONE of the exhilarting experiences of my life. I have more if you’d like to hear. Let me know, if you know where to find me. ;o) (Twitter-the same name) 

Good day dear readers…Good day. 

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I am who I am, nothing more nothing less. In a world where some still believe in “social norms” I am out there, different, deciding not to be “normal”. I understand the need for labels. We want to be accepted in a world thats unsure. But is that true? Do we live in a world of unsureness, or are many of us sure of who we are, who we want to be, but because of people who are still of the “norm”, we’re afraid to be?

I’m not happy, despite what you may see, hear or think, I’m not happy. I wear a shroud. A mask, a cover. I want you to believe that I’m happy so that I can avoid all of the questions or trite lines of comfort that I hear so often, from people who genuinely care and want me to be happy. I have a way of dealing with things. I create someone inside myself who is happy, more than other times.

I think that we choose labels so that we are accepted. Perhaps all these roles of gender exist or they don’t. I’m reading “papers” about how people are discounting or discrediting many of the gender roles that we have today. Why? Why can’t there be a role for us to play or to be, so that we don’t feel alone, ostracized from the public eye? Sure there are many, but why can’t there be? Why can’t you let those of us who feel a certain way, just be?

I’m not your typical societal male. I’m not huge on sports, cars, tools….body hair. lol       For whatever reasons, I choose to think of myself as male with female tendancies. If you want to call that “genderfluid” then okay, I like the colors. And I dig the genderfluid dragon.  Possible tattoo. No, it would take too long, and again, I want to avoid the questions. Now if I could find a temporary tattoo of this kind, that would be cool, if you find them, please let me know.( @TrojanViper) I have them, I wear them. I’ve been wearing a stretchy black anklet on my right ankle for over 4 months . My ode to the 90’s if you will. lol

I deserve to be happy. If that means that I have to adapt certain things in my life to do so, I will. I enjoy women, I like women. I’ve said so many times that I do believe that women have more fun sexually than men. So sometimes I choose to embrace my feminity. I can’t masturbate like men can, because of my disability(paraplegia,spina bifida) so I’ve choosen a way to pleasure myself, which is in a feminine manner.

I am an effeminate male. I know again with the labels. Why don’t I just say that I enjoy being feminine sometimes? Because I don’t want to, Ha! I also enjoy being naked, why, cause its fun. Talking about trite lines, I’m tired of waiting for the “one person to come along”. So I’ll go my own way and make myself happy. That’s part of what this is about. I didn’t need 5, 6 months of talking to a therapist to figure that out? I wanted a therapist, two therapists to say, Okay sure, become a woman. I never told her my theory about women having more fun and more options sexually than men. I have a feeling that she would’ve struck that down.

Part of me sometimes wants to pick up and move away. I’ve thought about it, but there are a few things keeping me put, and thats my decision. Sometimes I enjoy being a man, well partially a man, so transitoning isn’t on my agenda. So I choose to live between the two. It’s okay with me, it has been for say some odd 30 years . I’ve adopted both male and female traits, characteristics.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think its time to go shave, my face.

“I Am Me”